Saturday, October 21, 2006

Sorry I'm Late...Did I miss Anything??


So since our last post is August, it seems much has changed in the sports world. To recap a few: Ohio State is 7-0 and looking tough. The Browns are 1-4 and, well, look like thr Browns usually do(a buch of shitdicks). The Indians, after a classic dick tease last year, turned out to be the ugly, fat woman you took home from the bar against the advice of your wingman. A NCAA punter went OZ on his teammate and shanked him in the leg. Am i missing somehting...oh yeah

TO (tried to) KILL HIMSELF. WOW.

Oh wait he just had an allergic reaction to painkillers with some supplement he was taking. Well this goes to Mr TO as well as his Exorcist looking publicist. I too would have an allergic reaction if i took 24 vicodins in one night. You know what doctors call that allergic reaction? It called a suicide attempt you no class having fuck. Im sorry, its just that I really really REALLY hate TO. All athletes like TO:the selfish, world revoles around me, why arent you talking about me I better fake a suicide attempt guys out there. They represnet the very worst, and I really wish that more outrage would come from these assholes.

Man I had to get that out, feels good to be back, and I will try to get on here more reguarly. Im even gonna get RyGuy to tell you how he REALLY feels about his MSU Spartans. So keep tuned because I really wanna post something about ND and how I think rudy was a man loving whore.

Oh, and Troy Smith will win the Heisman and Brady Quinn will get caught 69ing Jeff Icantspellhislastname.

Friday, August 11, 2006

The True Story of Maurice Clarett

So I know a guy, that knows a guy, that once drank a King Cobra with Maurice Clarett and he got the “real” scoop on what happened that Wednesday morning of August 9th, 2006. The story I tell is 100% true.

It started off as a normal morning for Maurice Clarett. He woke up and smoked his pre-packed bowl of “buckeye chronic”. After he had his delicious “Fruity Peddles” he got a surprising phone from his former college coach Jim Tressel. Tressel said he had found him a try-out with the Washington Redskins! The only problem was that the try-out had to be held in 2 hours at a sports complex right next to his community. Tressel and the Redskins would meet him there.

After the phone call with Tressel, Clarett didn’t know how to get mentally and physically prepared for the try-out. So Clarett called his closest friend “Bones” from some friendly advice.

Unfortunately for Clarett, “Bones” had been on a 36 hour coke fest and had enough snow in his nose to give “frosty the snowman” a cold. Even more strange was when “Bones” spoke he had a very confident and compassionate tone to his voice. The words that come from “Bones” mouth were both idiotic and poetic at the same time. When Clarett called he had no idea that the advice “Bones” was going to give him would change his life forever.

Clarett explained the situation to “Bones” about the try-out and asked for his advice on how to impress the coaches. “Bones” told Clarett that he was too uptight about the try-out and the first thing he should do is drink half a bottle of the finest vodka in all the land, “Grey Goose”. But “Bones” told Clarett not to drink anymore than half a bottle because, “over doing it” would be unprofessional and could be to a determent to his career. Makes sense!

The second piece of advice “Bones” gave to Clarett made the must sense of all. Before “Bones” got mixed up in drugs he studied Native American History at a local community college. He advised Clarett to present an authentic Native American hatchet at the try-out to show the Redskins the ultimate respect. Makes sense!

Next “Bones” told Clarett that he had been looking a little small. Clarett’s lack of muscle tone had been noticeable since his diminished time in the weight room. “Bones” explained to Clarett that wearing a bullet proof vest makes your boobies look built and also makes you look tough. Makes sense!

Finally “Bones” advised Clarett that you can’t truly impress a coach by showing them your speed or strength. Clarett needed to show the coaches something that could truly impress. Something that would leave a lasting impression. “Bones” educated Clarett on how mastering the skills of the video game “Duck Hunt” would surely get him a starting job on any NFL team.

Unfortunately, Clarett didn’t have the video game at his disposal. All he had was 4 guns he had been using to rob people coming out of local bars. “Bones” took one last snort to clear his mind and then persuaded Clarett to take his 4 guns to the try-out to hunt duck there. It made prefect sense to both. Why hunt computer duck when you got the real thing in your own backyard? Makes sense!

After the hour and 55 minute conversation with “Bones”, Clarett realized he might be late! So he quickly grabbed his 4 guns, bullet proof vest, hatchet, and half an empty bottle of “Grey Goose” and speed off to the try-out.

We all know how this story unfolds. But I thought we all deserved to know and learn from this sad story of circumstance.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The Nightmare that is Cleveland Sports Mascots


Today is August 8th. There is no new Cavs news to write about: Drew Gooden negotiations, if they can be called that, have slowed to a halt. The Browns are in camp and don't play their first preseason game until tomorrow. All that can be said about Bently has been said. The Indians do no deserve to be mentioned for the rest of the season, Although the Oriental Express has been exciting. What is a bored sports fan to do?

Write about the horrible mascots that Cleveland teams employ, that's what.

We will go team by team, starting with the Cleveland chivalrous:
The team, until the arrival of LeBron, was a joke. Ever since they moved from the Historic (middle of no where arena with the community urinals) Richfield Coliseum to Gund Arena, they seemed to change gears in terms of uniforms from this and this classy scheme to this train wreck. And does anyone remember the Gunds 1st floor...gross.

Anyways, the Cavs during the pre-lebron years had one of the most mind boggling and confusing mascot in recent memory. Whammer, the white polar bear with sunglasses. I really don't know what to fucking say. How does the name "Cavalier" translate to a white polar bear with sun glasses. Maybe if we were in oh I don't know, Alaska, would this work. Maybe. Why can't we have a mascot like the Virginia Cavaliers.

It just doesn't make sense. We are the Cavaliers, so are they why is there such a difference? I understand they probably had it first, but its not like this is the first time 2 separate teams had the same nickname and used a similar mascot. They have made a change however. I am sure all you are aware of the new guy "Moondog" and while he still makes 0 sense to have a dunking, behind the back half court shooting dog as the Cavs mascot. It is leaps and bounds better than Whammer. Maybe one day they will adapt some sort of Cavaliers to be the mascot of the Cavaliers. Would make just too much sense. Usher needs something to do...develop a new mascot.

Onward to the Cleveland Browns. Since the Browns return to the NFL in 1999, they have employed 4 separate dogs: Chomps, TD, Trapper, and not to be left out CB to patrol the ends of the stadium. Weak. I am just not satisfied. I understand that the team has a moniker or the Dawgs, with the Dawg Pound and all, so I can see where these guys are justified. I mean, every game has people dressed with dog bones, masks etc. So I wouldn't necessarily put them under the title of "Horrible Cleveland Mascot" but I guess the absence of Browns Cheerleaders makes me mention them. I mean, I like girls in shorts shirts in the winter dancing. Get to it MBNA! Boobs are great.

Now, The Cleveland Indians.
Slider. The big pink dildo with herpes. Love this guy. You know I was actually at the game where that douche bag was dancing on the outfield wall, tripped and fell. Didn't that ass bag tear his MCL or something. What a douche. Anyho, this guy is clearly the worst current Cleveland mascot. Am I the only one that hates it when he does that grab his stomach and roll it around routine. How 'bout a new routine once and a while? Also, how big of a dork/ lonely child do you have to be to get an autograph from a mascot?? Seriously if this is a kid and he is male, his balls were just ripped out,Whenever he is on the field with his hot dog bazooka I wanna grab it, and stick it up his ass. And as a side note, who are you people that would eat a hotdog that was used as a projectile? I mean this is almost 100% guaranteed to be cold, not to mention some child molester dressed in a pink furry costume had his Hep-B hands all over that meat. No way Jose. The Indians need a new mascot, I know that chief Wahoo is offensive, but imangine how awesome it would be if we just ripped off FSU and did the Indian chief ride onto the field on a white horse and stick a flaming spear into the ground in front of the visitor dugout. Beyond cool, and it would have those pussies from Detroit running to their fat wives.

Please Cleveland front office, we have suffered by the likes of Whammer, Moondog, and that asshole Slider. You know what to do...

Slow days around here...its taken me a couple days to post this, work and rekindled obsession to Halo didn't help either. I guess Clarett got arrested with 3 guns 1 assault rifle, a hatchet, a half empty bottle of Gray Goose, and a CD of children songs sung by Ohio prison inmates....

Don't know where to start....brain overload...Clarett....post coming.


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Why Shawn Kemp Is Cooler Than You


1.) Shawn Kemp has planted his seed more than Johnny Appleseed around this country.

2.) Shawn Kemp doesn’t do drugs, drugs do Shawn Kemp.

3.) Shawn Kemp can be drug free for 2 years while at the same time only be drug free for 25 minutes.

4.) Shawn Kemp can have a article written about his probable NBA return one day and have an article written two days later about his probable return to the Betty Ford Clinic.

5.) Shawn Kemp doesn’t have kids. Shawn Kemp just has reminders of women he has banged.

6.) Shawn Kemp never rolls without at least an ounce of the chronic. So the 3 grams of weed the police found in the back of Shawn Kemp's truck couldn’t have been Shawn Kemp’s. Shawn Kemp don’t do amateur.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

For the Buckeyes This Year, It's All About the Offense


Big 10 media day is underway in Chicago, and guess who was named the preseason number 1? That's right, the Scarlet and Gray...THE Ohio State University. The Buckeyes are looking to improve from their successful season last year where they went 10-2 and finished out by throttling the Domers in "Columbus West", Tempe, Arizona. It can be argued that last years success was due to their outstanding defense, and namely their linebacker corps. Hawk, Carpenter, Schlegel. Those 3 names made offense coordinators tremble and running games turned to a non factor. Not to mention some of their secondary all starts, Whitner and Youbouty, this team was ferorcious on the defensive side of the ball.

Not to mention that offense.

Troy Smith was the Big 10 conference leader in terms of passer rating. He finished with 2, 282 yards with 16 touchdowns. He made a name for himself with stellar games against the hated "Team up North" and against ND in the Fiesta Bowl. Smith is a enigma for defense coordinators because of his ability to throw it down field, or tuck it and run. It almost seemed he threw for most of those yards against Michigan and ND. Returning on offense is the talented receiver tandem of Ted Ginn and Anthony Gonzalez. Ginn is a speed and athletic freak, who is a danger to break a huge play from anywhere and at anytime. Gonzalez is a sure handed receiver who has already found a knack for making huge plays...Anyone remember that catch he made at the end of the Michigan game? Not to mention their rushing attack of Antonio Pittman (1,331 yards 7TD) and incoming super frosh Chris Wells. Looks like the "O" in the Buckeyes logo will finially stand for "Offense"

Now, they are missing some starters on D. This should not be overlooked, and some of their key positions, especially LB are being reloaded by players with little big game experience. But if anyone can prepare its players, its Tress. Look for the Defense to gel by the Texas game on the 9th, and for them to continue to build and strengthen by mid-season. Whatever shortcomings or speedbumps the defense might encounter they will be bailed out by Troy Smith and Co.

Another Big 10 championship should be a realistic goal, as should a date at the Buckeyes favorite out of state destination, Tempe in January. I mean the National Championship is at the Fiesta Bowl, again. Sounds like 2003 all over again.

Can you blame Carmona?


Rookie pitcher Fausto Carmona attempted his first save situation since replacing Bob Wickman last night when he entered the ninth with an 8-6 lead against the Boston Red Sox’s. Alex Cora singled into left field to start the ninth and Carmona walked Kevin Youkilis before retiring Mark Loretta.

BUT then Big Papi stepped into the batters box! With Papi’s history of clutch walk-off homeruns Carmona must have been crapping his pants. What a situation for a 22 year old rookie closer to be in. In his very first attempt at a save in the majors he goes against arguably the best clutch batter of all-time at Fenway Park with all 35,000 Red Sox fans in full force. You could obviously see that Carmona was shaken by the whole situation. But who won’t be? With Carmona’s first pitch to Papi he threw a 100 mph ball. That was his fastest pitch of the night and it was a tell-tale-sign that he understood who he was facing and the history behind it. With his second pitch to Papi he throws a surprising 97 mph ball. The third and final pitch of the night was the first fastball Papi saw over the strike zone. Ka Boom!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Man oh man did I smile and laugh when I saw that baby go out. My favorite part was when ESPN showed replays of the homerun and you got to see Carmona’s reaction. He quickly turns around, notices where the ball is heading and grits his teeth in absolute horror. Welcome to the Big’s Carmona! But I don’t blame him. For a 22 year old rookie closer in his every first save attempt against arguably the clutches player of all time I think this experience will be more beneficial then detrimental. Carmona couldn’t have been put into a tougher situation and from this he will grown.

After the game an ESPN reporter interviewed Papi and noted to him that the fans were chanting “MVP MVP” and Papi simply responded with “I like it". It was a very genuine response and a great end to a hilarious night of Cleveland Indians baseball.

Ry Guy

Monday, July 31, 2006

Kenny Roda – Love or Hate?


I’m a big Cleveland sports fan and at appropriate times in my day I like to check out local newspapers, radio stations, blogs, and forums for the absolute latest. I usually get out of work around 5pm every weekday and my only constant access to Cleveland sports news on the ride home is radio station WKNR 850 and Kenny Roda.

I’m not a huge hater of Roda but I’m not a real fan either. I mean the man is a BIG Steelers fan and you could definitely hear the joy in his voice when Pittsburgh was fighting through the playoffs. But that’s okay with me. I’m open to subjective opinions.

What I really can’t stand is WKNR’s vast commercial advertisements during my ride home. I’ll be lucky to hear 10 minutes of actual sports talk on my 30 minute drive home. I understand for marketing purposes that is probably peak hours from a ROI stand point on advertisements but as a consumer it’s discouraging. I can only listen to so many erectile dysfunction advertisements till I myself am placid. And fuck “Lady of the Waste Side” and the “Hail Sale” advertisements while I’m at it.

Sorry. Just got home from work and needed to vent my frustrations!

Ry Guy

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

So I Actually Watched Some of the World Series of Darts



So I'm watching some of the WSOD and I can finally comment on how lame this thing really is. The "stars" of this sport are a nerdier, lamer, more pathetic version of a professional bowler. Look up complete fucking loser in the dictionary, and this guys picture will come up. I guess he is America's best chance of winning the WSOD. Whatever, he actually cried during his bio because he has "so much love for the game". He also has a small private garbage man job on the side, and oh yeah..he is hoping to make it as a singer because he sings karaoke at some shitty bar wherever the hell he is from. And the best part he was serious about it all.

Ugh..

So anyways, lets get into some of the details of the actual event. First off I assumed they would be playing Cricket, the game most of us play at bars and basements around the country. Instead they are playing this weird ass game where the first to 0 points wins. And also 180 (triple 20 3x) is a HUGE DEAL. After each throw, some really REALLY annoying "British" announcer screams the score to the "crowd". Picture this is a horrible British accent.."180!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" or "93!!!!!!!"

Here is the worst part, the play by play guys. One is presumably an American guy, who makes off color remarks, and is generally mild mannered. Then there is the other British guy (honestly what is with that island and darts???) Anyways this guy likes to scream. He is the English Steven A Smith. Only with SAS you could argue that he screams so much so he can stay relevant because we all know his show sucks shit. This British wanker (because you know he is British) is trying to make a name, but the only name I could think of was "chump". So look what this master linguist just spit out... "Fill up you boots...he found his boots alright" I swear to fucking god, imangine he said that at full SAS rant scream. I need an explanation on what that means. I have to be honest this is teetering on completely unwatachable.

So that's pretty much it, players go back and forth in what they call "legs" until someone wins by some margin. I would tell you what that margin is but to be honest, the channel has been changed to Law and Order on TNT (it is on all the time). ESPN really has fallen on tough times, not only has Mobile ESPN completely tanked (thanks Deadspin), but now this.

How is Berman gonna pick up leather wrapped skanks in Middle America with this kind of rep.

*Oh and the American just won and is the only Red White and Bluer in the second round, like you gave a shit. Because some cannuck blew it on "double 16". Lame.